My heart aches. I love Him, yes, but faintly.
I desire Him, yes, but weakly.
I want Him, true, but waveringly.
Even the pain that lies within
I recognize to be such faint pain,
A mere discomfort next to the heart-wrenching anguish
That grips true lovers
My knowledge is nothing. My wisdom, infancy.
I see nothing as it truly is.
Eternity what is light. This life of earth what is dark.
Stories remain stories. Not sinking deep within my soul,
And scarring me with Divine invasion
Your cross is a picture, Your Heaven a fantasy.
Tears are sweet emotions, moved by Your sacrifice.
But not the tears of sharing in Your sufferings.
I say Your name so sweetly but do not know its Face.
All I am is far. So distant, so removed.
But You beckon me come.
Yet, my Lord, I am nothing. I have nothing. I know nothing.
When I thought I had something,
It dissolved before Your beauty.
And I was left naked. Possessing nothing.
Poor for words. Empty of all. Needy and alone.
Even so, my Love, call me.
Yes, do not leave me here but beckon me come.
Though I have nothing, though I am only poor,
I cast myself on your unfailing love
Where else would I go?
Whom have I but You?
(an excerpt from Deep Unto Deep, by Dana Candler)
That's quite sobering, but true nonetheless. There have been so many times in my life that I've settled myself down, attempted to prepare my heart, and enter in to worshipping God and praying, but found myself only five minutes later at a loss, with nothing but air around me. It always left me to think, "Where are you, God? Why don't you come down and talk to me, why don't you just speak up and acknowledge that you exist, or come show me some revelation or vision?" And yet, still, nothing. Why nothing? Why doesn't God just come down and reveal himself to us every time that we enter into worship, and why so many times that we enter in to prayer are we left with a void where it seems God doesn't care or even want to answer us?
The misconception here is that we don't fully realize "what God's heart is like and just what He feels in these seemingly barren days.....These times feel barren to us, but they are not. They are far from fruitless to the Ancient of Days, and He does not forget one moment of their composition." It says in Galations 6:8, "But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit." God does capture our heart in these times, and he bottles up every tear we cry in these void times. We are called to give Him glory at every moment, in everything we do, whether we "feel" anything or not.
And so with that, I return to praising my Lord and Savior here in the prayer room. :)
Psalm 42:7 - "Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
All Your waves and billows have gone over me."
Jarrod
