Apple of the Eye

When You've been broken
Broken to pieces
And your heart begins to faint
'Cause you don't understand
And when there is nothing
To reap from the ashes
And you can't even walk
Onto the fields of praise

But I bow down and kiss the Son...
Oh I bow down and kiss the Son

When the rock falls
Falls upon you
And you get no music for the pain
You open the windows
The windows of heaven
And then you hold me
And you crush me like a rose

Let the praise of the Lord be in my mouth....
Let the praise of the Lord be in my mouth....

Though You slay me I will trust You, Lord
Though You slay me I will trust You, Lord


I love this song, because though God may even take my very life and slay me, yet I've had to learn to trust in Him always. It's funny how when you ask God to show up, He does, and yet you're wowed by Him anyway, as if you didn't expect Him to. I guess it's because sometimes we think that His ways are like our ways, and that He's some weak human soul like we are, when in reality, He's the uncreated God, and He is absolutely unlike us in EVERY way. It's amazing!

Tonight I had to surrender so many things to the Lord. And the funny thing is, I thought they were things that I had already surrendered to Him before. I've been so back and forth lately with my feelings, and haven't really trusted in God lately when it comes to relationships. I've been seeking after my heart's desires rather than trusting in God to provide them for me. I know that He knows what I want, and I know that He will provide when He knows the time is right for me, but in my broken human nature, I fall at times. But God is always there to pick me back up again. God's been teaching me to trust in Him solely for everything. Tonight during FCF service, I broke down and began to lay everything out on the altar (which was the back of the room for me). I went over there and just sat down in a little ball and surrendered everything I had to Him. People were dancing all around me, worshiping God. While I was pouring everything out, a strange thing happened. I felt wind circling around me and could feel people swishing past me. A thought occurred to me that the people dancing might be actually dancing in a circle around me. I squinted my eyes open and saw them passing me, all around, and passing me again - they were! They were laughing and singing and dancing around me in a big circle - or so it seemed. In actuality, as I later discovered, they were moving in the shape of an eye, due to the momentum of the dancing, and I was the center of the eye - the pupil. I began to laugh and be filled with the joy of the Spirit as this happened, and felt such a huge release within me that resonated in every part of me!

Once the worship ended, I headed back to my seat, only to have an awesome message on the Father heart of God preached by Wes Martin. I went up for the altar call at the end, and poured out even more to the Lord, and got prophesied over that the Lord wanted to show me His compassion and love on an even deeper level, and in so many ways. I asked God to give me a token of this, and then went back to my seat to find a note on top of my coat! The note read "Jarrod, you are the apple of God's eye. You are in the center of His great love for you! The glint in His eye is even dancing, jumping for joy in you. He is so pleased with you." Later tonight, I found out it was Mrs. Picket, one of my spiritual moms, was the one who wrote the note, and had seen me while everyone was dancing around me. It was so awesome, and I just started praising the Lord! She said that God wants to release even more of His love on me... That He is going to remove the log from my eye and teach me even more. God released so much joy into my inner being tonight, and so much peace. I fully trust in Him that He will provide and take care of my every need completely. I don't have to worry about girls or relationships, I will trust in God, even if the rock falls upon me, even if I never find the girl that I'm to spend the rest of this life with, even if God slays me, I will trust Him all the more. Amen.

Job 13:15: - Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.

Eternity's Start

But that's just it. Eternity doesn't start or have a beginning, nor does it have a stop or an end to it. Eternity is timeless, it doesn't span even more than the width of a trillisecond, nor does it span less than the width of one googolplex years. We have no way to measure it, because our body, mind and soul are all trapped within time. We have no possible way of imagining life outside of time. Eternity is forever and nothing.

Five months and three days ago I made the decision to move from one geographic place to another, and it has been the best thing I've ever done with my life to date (but that's not saying much since I'm only pushing twenty). On February 3rd, it will have marked six months. I've taken a Nazarite vow since I moved out here to Kansas City and have grown my hair out long until then. I found that I like my hair long though, so although I'm getting it cut, I'm mostly just going to get it cut properly so that it can continue to grow out long.

What have I learned the past five+ months? I've learned that when I thought I found the topmost height in God's love, there were still more steps to take, and still thousands of more peaks above me. I've learned that when I thought I found the deepest ocean-bed of God's love, I still had to dig deeper than even that. I've learned that earthly love and relationships, though enticing, are no match whatsoever to what Jesus provides. I've learned that though I've been single all my life and hated it, I can now be single and enjoy it, for however long God calls me to do it. I've learned to play the guitar and am still learning (this makes me happy). I've learned how to make friends. I've learned how to live on my own and with roommates. I've learned how to be responsible for myself. I've learned how to intercede. I've learned how to fast and not ruin my body by doing so. I've learned to eat more responsibly. I've learned that sitting in a pretty prayer room and listening to good music is not what I'm doing, but that I actually have one of the most difficult and yet most powerful jobs in the world. I've learned how to live simply, giving away my money/time/resources without a second thought. I've learned that I have a duty to pray for God's mercy and judgment to pass. I've learned that I don't have a choice anymore, God's will must manifest itself inside of me in order for me to believe that He can do what He's going to do in the days to come. But most importantly, I've learned how to pray.

I only look forward now to what God has for me in Phase Two of this never-ending transformation process. I feel like I've been drinking milk (very potent milk), and now God is opening the door for food. Wheat. Vegetables. Fruit. Meat. Tasty, juicy meat. God is about to unleash even newer levels of every part of Him upon me, and I hope I'm prepared for it. God only knows what I'm going to go through in this next six months.

The season of Trust is past,
Are you ready for the fast?
The next renewal is here,
In whom will you put your fear?
There's nowhere else to turn,
That means it's time to Burn.