Where's the Balance?

So, I woke up this morning realizing I was in despair over my different callings in life. I know that God has a dual calling on my life in the marketplace and in missions, and today I realized that having one foot in each camp is not fun. Some people think that's great (and in many ways it is), but I'm left trying to figure out where the balance is in it all.

At the beginning of 2010, I had such peace from the Lord on pursuing photography on a deeper level, including launching my own website and freelance business (Tischhaus Photo). The website is scheduled to go online late next week, and I already have various photo shoots scheduled for the next couple months (weather permitting). I have had so much peace about this, and yet, today I have despair over it.

For my second calling, I know, is in missions. I have had such a deep love for missions work, starting at 16 when I had the opportunity to go to Indonesia and work in a youth camp there. From that moment on, I knew that my heart was made for this. When I was 19, I went to Poland to help some summer schools for children, and some after-school Christian gatherings, and I fell in love with them. Now I find myself, nearing 22 years old, longing once again for foreign shores and people in need. Away from all of the technology, comfortable living, and things I'm so used to taking advantage of. And so that brings me to my dilemna...

Do I throw away all of my plans, trash it all to the wind and put myself at His feet? These wonderful plans of building a business and being responsible and pursuing photography sound so great, but if they hinder my other calling, do I even want them? Wouldn't I rather be in a hut in Africa, helping the children in need? Or do I throw away my inner desire for missions, pursuing a life of responsible living and steady income, schedules and plans? Yet I know within me is the desire to do both. And I also know that God has put both of these desires in me as well. So, rather the question is, how do I pursue both at the same time? Where is the balance?

I had a dream last night that I was in every season of the year at once. It was so tranquil and full of peace - it wasn't chaotic at all. And when I woke up this morning, I felt an innate desire to go to Haiti. Until this morning, I didn't really feel like I was supposed to go to Haiti at all, having my eyes set pursuing business ventures and photography. But now I really feel like I am supposed to go. But I guess I just don't know how to operate in two modes at once. I have a business mindset on one hand, and on the other I want to throw everything into the wind and just trust God for everything. Yet I know that both can cooperate with eachother and it can be done, I just haven't figured it all out yet. How do I allocate funds for missions when I barely have enough to start a business?

Anyways, I guess this just all needs much prayer and a deeper pursuit of God, stepping further into humility and trusting fully in Him. I really would love to go to Haiti and be a part of the relief efforts there, and I would also really love to capture the relief efforts in photography. I just need to trust God that the finances will come in for it and that He will work all of this out.