Gasoline Faith

How does one grow old without their love growing cold? Lately, I find myself in the "dark night of the soul". Nothing spiritual feels alive or real to me anymore. So many chaotic things are going on across the earth, and yet that's not what even bothers me. It's that my heart just feels dead inside. It's been so long since I've felt the raw presence of the Lord. My past experiences convince me that it's all real, but my present dullness tells me it was just youthful zeal.

I know God is real, I know what He's done in my life, in my own heart, and yet, I doubt. Why do I doubt? There is a past version of me looking at this present version in astonishment. How could you doubt, Jarrod, when God has transformed your heart? How could you doubt His presence when you've felt it first hand? How could you doubt when you've seen friends get healed from incurable diseases? When you've seen people you know stand up out of wheelchairs and run across the building - that isn't fake, it was real! And yet, your heart is so dull now even those things that were so clear are now causing despair.

I've been running on empty for longer than I care to mention. I feel like a rag that was dipped in gasoline and set on fire - I burned bright and strong, and now I'm just cold, forgotten ashes. I want to be a burning furnace! How do I rekindle the flames? How do I set myself ablaze again, and this time never fade? I feel myself slipping down a slope of despair, and I don't know how to climb out.

Jesus, I know you're real. I've seen you heal broken hearts and broken bodies. And yet, I see so many broken hearts and broken bodies around me right now and it seems like they'll never be healed. Why do you allow this? Why do I doubt your power that I've seen so clearly? I want you, Lord. I want to feel you like I once did. I want to be used by you for great things. But I don't know how to discipline myself. I don't spend time with you as I should. I don't read your words like I used to - they used to come alive off the very pages, and now they seem like ancient writings without relevance to my daily life. But I want you, God! I am desperate, because I know you are real! I do not want this complacency that I've chosen, but I don't know how to get back! How do I get oil for my lamp? How do I find that secret place that I've lost? Fill me with wonder again! Fill me with your presence! My soul grows weary of this life. If we are Christians who actually believe your word, why do we care so much about politics and taxes and healthcare benefits and jobs and iPhones and useless, fleeting things? Is your presence not enough? Why am I not utterly fascinated by you like the four living creatures around your throne that do literally nothing else except fall at your feet in utter amazement at the many facets of who you are - your great mercy, your awesome power, your wonder! Show me these secrets, my God! I want to be like a child again, full of wonder!

Help me in this broken dullness to find my way back to your unfading light. I want to set myself ablaze again for your glory, so that people may come and watch me burn.