Gasoline Faith

How does one grow old without their love growing cold? Lately, I find myself in the "dark night of the soul". Nothing spiritual feels alive or real to me anymore. So many chaotic things are going on across the earth, and yet that's not what even bothers me. It's that my heart just feels dead inside. It's been so long since I've felt the raw presence of the Lord. My past experiences convince me that it's all real, but my present dullness tells me it was just youthful zeal.

I know God is real, I know what He's done in my life, in my own heart, and yet, I doubt. Why do I doubt? There is a past version of me looking at this present version in astonishment. How could you doubt, Jarrod, when God has transformed your heart? How could you doubt His presence when you've felt it first hand? How could you doubt when you've seen friends get healed from incurable diseases? When you've seen people you know stand up out of wheelchairs and run across the building - that isn't fake, it was real! And yet, your heart is so dull now even those things that were so clear are now causing despair.

I've been running on empty for longer than I care to mention. I feel like a rag that was dipped in gasoline and set on fire - I burned bright and strong, and now I'm just cold, forgotten ashes. I want to be a burning furnace! How do I rekindle the flames? How do I set myself ablaze again, and this time never fade? I feel myself slipping down a slope of despair, and I don't know how to climb out.

Jesus, I know you're real. I've seen you heal broken hearts and broken bodies. And yet, I see so many broken hearts and broken bodies around me right now and it seems like they'll never be healed. Why do you allow this? Why do I doubt your power that I've seen so clearly? I want you, Lord. I want to feel you like I once did. I want to be used by you for great things. But I don't know how to discipline myself. I don't spend time with you as I should. I don't read your words like I used to - they used to come alive off the very pages, and now they seem like ancient writings without relevance to my daily life. But I want you, God! I am desperate, because I know you are real! I do not want this complacency that I've chosen, but I don't know how to get back! How do I get oil for my lamp? How do I find that secret place that I've lost? Fill me with wonder again! Fill me with your presence! My soul grows weary of this life. If we are Christians who actually believe your word, why do we care so much about politics and taxes and healthcare benefits and jobs and iPhones and useless, fleeting things? Is your presence not enough? Why am I not utterly fascinated by you like the four living creatures around your throne that do literally nothing else except fall at your feet in utter amazement at the many facets of who you are - your great mercy, your awesome power, your wonder! Show me these secrets, my God! I want to be like a child again, full of wonder!

Help me in this broken dullness to find my way back to your unfading light. I want to set myself ablaze again for your glory, so that people may come and watch me burn.

Kiss the Son

Oh, hey there. Excuse me while I vacuum all of the internet dust up on this page. It's amazing how life and laziness get in the way of a personal blog. I'm transitioning, oh-so slowly, off of facebook, and I'm going to start putting my more detailed thoughts on this blog once again.

Today I was reading through all of my own blogs, and just seeing the high and low points in my life the past 7 years. It's amazing, like travelling through time. I want to keep doing that. One of the blogs I wrote had to do with the song I put in this blog's title, "Kiss the Son" by Kevin Prosch. It really brings me back to some of the lonely days I had in the prayer room in Kansas City. Music pierces right through you, and brings you back to a particular moment in your life. This song just wrecks me. I'm at a point in my life where things are so busy: I'm maintaining a 40+ hour per week job, while building up our homestead at home, and helping my wife raise our 8-month old daughter (and by helping, I mean Kendra is doing pretty much all of the work because she's amazing). There's just very little time to breathe in-between all that needs done, especially when you spend all your free time staring at facebook, the evil time-sucker of our day and age!

At any rate, back to this song... my favorite line is, "Though you slay me, I will trust You, Lord". It's so good. Even though I feel so spiritually dry right now in life, and feel like God is so distant from me, He is still working in me. I know I'll get through this dry spell, but this helps remind me to trust in God despite not feeling Him right now. He's so good, and so worth it, and has proven Himself so many countless times in my life. He is and always will be my first love, and I'm so thankful that even when I lose my way, He's always there, always patient with me, and just directs me back onto the right path.

Here's to more blogs in 2014 and beyond! Go listen to the song and get wrecked:

A short story for my brother, Caleb

You forgot your mountain, Caleb... You left it, for a handful of shiny pebbles.
Shiny, worthless pebbles, filled with flare and glimmer,
Not knowing that the high dry mountain you left was filled with treasures untold.

You were high on your mountain-top, bearing the burdens of life,
When one day a dark man arrived at your door.
He spoke of treasures untold in a land far away,
Then he opened his hand, and captured your gaze,
And led you astray.

So you left your mountain, Caleb.
Your mountain was dry and unglamorous,
Simple and tall. But it was your inheritance, and you had no idea.
But you were sick of the storms that would come,
And oh! How they would rage!
They'd come and go, wearing on you, attacking your foundation.
But as long as you stayed high on your mountain, you were firmly planted, and unshaken.

But the storms, they eventually overcame you.
They filled you with terror,
So you left your mountain, Caleb.
You decided the mountain wasn't worth it,
Nothing but a clump of dirt.
And you went after shiny pebbles in the dark.

So you went down the winding path, and left the threshold of your prize,
And sought after myth and mystery.
But That dangerous path only leads to disease and death.
But you wouldn't stop. You wouldn't turn around. You wouldn't head the words of your friends.
"The pain and sorrow, they can't be as bad as those storms", you would say.
And you pressed on, pressed further.

But, Caleb, you didn't know, you wouldn't stop, and though you found comrades who would agree,
They are all as blind as you.
So forward, you marched, with your merry little band.
Into abyss. Into darkness.

But you have one more pass ahead of you, Caleb.
One more fork in the road.
You're so far from home.
So far from your mountaintop.
But ahead there's one more chance for you to leave this dangerous journey to death.

Caleb, remember your mountain.
Remember your home.
If you pursue this wreckless dream, all that lies ahead is worse than any of the storms you've encountered.
You'll fall into the dark man's territory, and forever be lost.
Lost in his grip of endless lust, endless wrecklessness, endless death.
And for what? A handful of shiny pebbles?
Turn, and look, gaze back. If you look past the haze, past the darkness, you can still see it.
There it is, Caleb. Your mountain-top. Waiting for you. Your foundation. Your gateway.

See, you never knew, Caleb.
You never knew that the mountain of granate you lived on,
Was full of diamonds and gold.
It's your inheritance, Caleb.
You left it for nothing. The storms were your trials, but they were proving you, building you, preparing you.
But you left it for nothing.
Nothing, but dust and ashes.

Return, Caleb, claim your ground.
Take back what you fought so hard for, and gave away so easily.
Don't let the darkness win.
Fight every battle, make your stand,
Return to your mountain, or perish forever.

The Blog I Never Did Make

As I sit here on this fine evening, in a coffee shop, on a laptop (I rarely get to do this these days), I have been in my very first relationship for 82 days, exactly. It's really been quite amazing, and to be honest I meant to blog on this about 80 days ago—I just have been so incredibly busy that I haven't been able to put anything substantial down on a piece of digital paper yet. Anyway, I kind-of want to just back up here and share what the Lord has been doing in my heart leading up to this relationship.

Approximately 3 and three-quarters years ago, I moved to Kansas City. I was pretty broken when I moved there, and really needed God to do some serious heart-surgery on me—which He did. After I got there, I really just wanted to abandon myself to Him completely. So, being a fresh new IHOP'er, I made a commitment to the Lord and took a Nazarite vow for one year. My commitment was, "Lord, I give you permission to make me wait until You think I'm ready for a relationship, not when I think I'm ready." And that was that. And so, I grew my hair out long, and had kept it long ever since (even three years later). I, however, didn't honor that commitment. I pretty much ran around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to find the girl of my dreams. I searched and searched for her, pursuing left and right. Fortunately for me, God did uphold His end of the deal. He consistently frustrated all of my plans. Every time I was interested in a girl, I never had peace about it, but I would just try and pursue it anyway. I got my head so wrapped up in finding the right girl, that it became more important than just serving and trusting God.

Well, God took me through quite a few dry and barren seasons, because He very clearly wanted to absolutely wreck this thing out of me entirely. I went through some very lonely, dark seasons of just me and the Lord, being completely dry and abandoned to Him. I kind-of realized through the whole process that God really just wanted me to kill my dreams, or be willing to kill them, to serve Him, because He was and is more important. And then after they were dead, He just gave me everything I ever wanted on a silver platter! God's love is ridiculous.

Anyway, right at the end of 2010, I had been living here in Pennsylvania now for about 6 months, and I had organized a trip to go to Kansas City for onething2010. I was really very happy that everyone was able to make it out to Kansas City, and it was such a great trip—but my time there at the conference was actually pretty miserable. I just kind of went from session to session just really upset over the entire year, wondering why God had me move to Pennsylvania, what I was doing, where my life was going, etc. It all culminated at the end of the very last night of the conference, right at midnight. I remember just standing there in the back, while everyone was getting blasted by the Holy Spirit and serenaded in worship music I was all-too-used to. I was just there, pleading with the Lord, "I need vision for 2011. I hated 2010, I felt like I've accomplished nothing. Where were You, God? What did I accomplish? Why am I in Pennsylvania? What am I doing?" Question after question just kept pouring forth, until finally, right at midnight, I got a response. God said, so clearly to me, "Forget about 2010, Jarrod. Get ready for 2011. I'm about to take you on a great adventure." And that was it. Now, I'm going to be honest with you, I wasn't entirely excited about this response (at least, not as much as I should have been). I kind-of left with that just wondering, "why did He say adventure? What does that even mean?" I began pondering it, as I returned to Pennsylvania and normal life and work resumed. I eventually settled on the fact that by adventure, God meant I was going to finally leave Lancaster and go somewhere important or fun or something, or send me out on the missions field, so I got a little excited about that (no offense to Lancaster—I actually like it here, I just definitely didn't at the time).

At any rate, it didn't matter what I thought. I assumed I would be leaving somewhere around March (I initially didn't see myself here past spring time when I moved to PA), but finally I settled in my heart that God would probably have me be staying here for most of the summer. In February, however, I had my near-fatal car accident when I flipped my entire van over and fractured my lower back (that wasn't fun). It put me out of commission and out of work for quite some time. The enemy very clearly was using this to try and wipe me out completely, but God is ridiculously faithful, and turned it around to give me the desires of my heart, because about two weeks later, I started dating the girl of my dreams.

I'd known Kendra since I first moved here about a year ago (May 28th, 2010), but I had never really taken notice of her. I only ever really hung out with her in groups, since she was in the same circle of friends as me, and she isn't real talkative in groups, so I hadn't really ever gotten to know her that much. I do remember a couple of occasions where we talked here and there and got to know each other a little bit, but for some reason there was a veil there, because it never even occurred to me that I should consider her. Right around the time of the accident is when I actually started rolling it around in my head. She really was a pretty cool girl, I just didn't really know her that well. In the weeks leading up to the car accident, I had about 5 different people randomly mention her to me, and what I thought about that. But I just kept thinking and not really acting on it.

See, I'm a very stubborn person in reality, and any of the 40-or-so guys I've roomed with in the past 4 years will probably tell you that (and more). And the real trouble was, I always seemed to attract myself to girls that were like me. I'm creative, extroverted, impulsive, and completely irresponsible. So, naturally I think you can assume that if I paired up with someone like myself, it would be a guaranteed disaster. Anyway, I say that just to reiterate that I didn't really expect what was happening to me when it happened. Kendra is more introverted in some respects, logistical, and extremely responsible - so it just never occurred to me. Now, obviously, afterwards I'm seeing how wonderfully we compliment each other in each of these regards. It really balances us out.

So, after the accident, I was a helpless old man – or at least, that's how I felt. I was vehicleless, and had to run errands, so I was bumming rides off of anyone I could to get to doctor appointments, physical therapists, etc. Kendra was very gracious and helped me out a few times with rides. And you know, you can't ride in a car with someone and not talk to them at least a little bit. So, we talked here and there, and talked some more, and finally I decided to act upon my interests. The third time she helped me out, I had to go to Panera to pick up my last check there, and we happened to be going right around lunch time. So, I did what any respectable gentlemen should do: I made her let me buy her lunch, and proceeded to drill her with questions to see whether or not we were compatible. After having our little lunch, I decided that we were indeed compatible. So that Friday, I asked her out to coffee, and asked her some more questions (oh, by the way, I finally cut my long locks of hair off the day after Panera - 3 and a half years after my consecration). By the next week, the rumor mills were already up and running full speed, and we were together by Thursday (most of you know the details of this story, so I won't go fully into it all here). And the rest is history!

I have been happily with Kendra, going on three months now, and it has been the most wonderful season of my life. God has just shown me how absolutely faithful He is to the core. He has been completely blowing our minds with the amount of confirmation He's given us, and it's been so surreal. It's just so exciting.

So anyways, there you have it. I just wanted to write something, so I wrote until my thoughts ran out. I don't care if you read this or not, but if you do, I hope you enjoy it, or I hope it inspires you, or I hope it gives you hope. God is faithful to complete what He set out to do, and though you may be in that dry and barren desert season – trust me, it's worth it. Because those seasons are rare, and they are the seasons that you get closest to Jesus, and realize what a good papa God is. He loves His children, and He will not give you a rock when you ask for a fish. He might, however, realize that you aren't quite ready for the fish yet, and withhold it until you're really ready for it. In the mean time, get hungry for God. Because even the fish won't satisfy you if you're not already satisfied in Him. :)

4:46AM

So I awoke this morning at an irregular time, and that doesn't happen that often. When I looked at the clock, it was 4:46, and when I looked at the other clock, it was 4:48. I felt God leading me to Isaiah 44:6-8, and God spoke something clear to me through it:

'Thus says the Lord, the King of Israel and his Redeemer, the Lord of Hosts: "I am the First and the Last; besides me there is no other god. Who is like Me? Let him proclaim it. Let him declare and set it before me, since I appointed an ancient people. Let them declare what is to come, and what will happen. Fear not, nor be afraid; have I not told you from old and declared it? And you are my witnesses! Is there a God besides me? There is no Rock; I know not any."

The fear of the Lord rested on me as I read this, and then just a sense of so much peace. In all the swirl of world politics and things going on across the nation and world right now, it's so easy to get caught up in the fear of it all. So quickly are we to turn to worldly things for our aid, or to come up with our own ways of protection in the coming storms. Yet God so clearly wants us to simply just rely on Him, and Him alone. He is God, He is our Redeemer from old. He saw the end from the beginning, and He set in motion everything that's going on.

Why? So that He can bring many sons to glory. At the end of it all, God wins. Sure, there are going to be some trials along the way, and our normal American life is about to be absolutely shattered in a way that will really grip and destroy people's mindsets of materialism and western lifestyles. We as a people have lived like kings for too many days, consuming and consuming, enjoying the luxuries and lifestyles that only royalty once enjoyed, and yet we take none of the kingly responsibilities that come with it! We sit on our thrones and watch the world around us and say "no big deal", and let it all pass us by. Well, God is coming in all His glory. And at His coming there will be repentance, joy, a returning to Him, and an awakening of His people. That day approaches nearer and nearer each day, and each day my heart is becoming more alert and aware. Don't you just get that feeling like "time is running out"?

We as a Christian people need to return to the Lord, repent of our laziness and apathy, and take up our swords once again. It's time to take a stand, a radical stand, for God. Right now we enjoy the ability to serve Him in the midst of our luxurious lifestyles, but that day is soon ending, and His true people are about to be revealed. What will it mean when you have to choose between God and very basic necessities like food and water (this is beyond even just choosing God and your every day lifestyles - this is life itself)? Are you prepared to make that sacrifice? Are you prepared to really, actually die for what you believe? Or are you just on that western train of "prosperity and a better life" that so many people proclaim from today's pulpits?

It's time we take a stand, clean ourselves, anoint ourselves with oil, and get rid of our comfortable lifestyles. We were a people made for His glory, and we're coming to a climax where we're going to have to make some very tough choices... And yet, the beauty of it all is I have this undeniable burning deep inside of me that says, "I was made for this." People get ready. Amen.

Strong Love... Yeah.

Often we forget about the love of Christ. Sure, we sing about it at church, and we can intellectualize it to be true in our minds, and some of us even grasp it—but not fully understand it.

But we forget about it. We shrug it off by lunch time and go on with life as usual. And then when situations, problems and the like arise, we don't reflect on His love; we just ask Him for help. We don't remember His promises; we just plead our case as if we have to convince Him of something or some reason why we should be defended or why we shouldn't be suffering this incident or why so-and-so makes so much more money than us or why I'm stuck in this circumstance when he or she has the easy life!

What if instead of pleading with God as a taskmaster or a judge or an intermediator, we realized that He actually loves us? So often we drone through life as a slave, when God wants us to realize that we are in-fact, sons and heirs. We think that; if just maybe we can get God's attention, and then pour our situation over Him and explain it to Him, that just maybe He'll plead our case. But we—I, tend to think that I don't deserve it. Well guess what? I'm right. I don't deserve it—but there's more. He loves me. And He wants to bless me—not because I deserve it, but because He wants to. He will plead my case for me because I am His son, and I've been adopted in to His kingdom. But an adopted son has just as much right as any other son! I have, therefore, direct access to my Father's kingdom—His assets, His finances, His dwelling, His rest—I have it all. And yet day after day I disqualify myself and sleep in a dumpster out in the slums while my comfortable, kingly bed sits vacant, gathering dust. It's time to stand on the promises of His word.

Romans 8:38-39 provides us with such a crystal clear promise:

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

God's love empowers us. It stands strong in the midst of every faltering thing. I am not defined by my employment, nor by the wages I make. My identity isn't found in my surroundings, or bad circumstances currently affecting me. My resolve is not made weak by financial debt, oppression from the enemy, or false accusations from those around me. It surpasses my weak understanding, surrounds me with joy and peace. My identity, my definition, who I am, is grounded in Him.

And with that reality fully recognized, the fact that there's nothing God can't do becomes "personalized", and suddenly takes on new meaning. Now, there's nothing God can't do in my life. He loves me, and He wants to bless me; and because of the covenant He made with me—that I made with Him, He has sworn to me that He will watch over me, protect me, provide for me financially, direct me spiritually, and be my source and my all.

Everything I have is His, and by divine exchange, everything He has is now mine. What else do I need to worry about? Nothing.

Weakness

My first blog of 2011... And my first in quite awhile, at that. At any rate, this one is titled "Weakness", and that's what it's about.

So often (in fact, so very often that it's completely normal), we disqualify ourselves completely from doing anything in the Lord due to ridiculous circumstances. Call it what you want, whether it was because you were caught up in some sin, or people don't understand you, or you don't want to get in anyone's way, or maybe you think you just don't know enough, or maybe you just feel absolutely useless—at the end of the day, the only thing standing between you and God using you is, well, you.

I know myself more than anybody (except God), and therefore, knowing all of my weaknesses, all of my depravity, and every wicked thing inside, I disqualify myself consistently. It has come to my attention though, that whenever I feel I am in my weakest state, God is able to use me most potently.

But how is that possible?

Weak Jarrod + The Realization of That + Still allowing God to Move through Me Anyway = The Power of God reaching into People's Lives.

An interesting equation. And yet, it's true. When I'm weak, realizing how useless I am on my own, but still allowing God to flow through me, that's when I feel Him using me the most. Pride is extinguished almost immediately, allowing God direct access to use me as a vessel and a vassal for His power and glory, and then people are touched through me—it's an amazing combination!

We as the people of God need to come to the full realization of that. If you only knew how many worship leaders out there just came onto the stage having dealt with fights with roommates, spouses, situations going on, feeling useless, weak and utterly defenseless—and yet, they have one of the best worship or intercession sets they've ever experienced! It's because they have found this combination out. It's like, hitting that button combo on your PS2 controller to get the perfect kill move on Tekken 5. Okay, that's a poor example (unless you used to be a gamer like me). You suddenly have been moved to a place of absolute abandonment, where God is free to flow through your weakness with His power, and you're able to minister freely in that place.

I'm not posting this blog as if to say "stay in sin, stay in weakness, because God will use you more"—I'm posting this to say, that in your weakness God can still use you, and wants to use you more than ever. Don't ever disqualify yourself. If God were ever going to give up on you, trust me - He wouldn't have died for you in the first place. The opposite is true. He wants you, He loves you, and He chose you. So let Him use you, in every circumstance.

In One Year...

I am writing this blog purely for myself, but if it encourages you to write one for yourself too, then by all means, read it and be encouraged.

I find myself in an interesting season recently. One where I'm pretty much locked in where I am, doing what I am, probably for the next year or so. In that year though, I have decided that I want to have some things accomplished in my life. I don't want it to slip by, and then come September 20th, 2011, and I have not accomplished anything significant. Therefore, I'm setting forth goals for myself that I can look back on one year from this blog, and check off whether or not I've accomplished them. I'm doing this to push myself forward, and discipline myself, and make the best use of all of my time. I encourage you to do something similar; make a blog like this one, so that you can be accountable to all your readers in a year in whether or not you've accomplished your own goals. So, here they are:

1. One year from now I want to be completely and totally debt free. I actually plan on being debt free before the end of this year, if it's possible, but that's in God's hands.
2. One year from now, I want to have my photography business completely sustaining me and bringing in regular income. And if I continue in diligence with it, and with the Lord's blessing, I know that it will get there.
3. One year from now, I want to be so disciplined in the Word and spending my time with God, that I will not give it up for anything. Where I spend that one hour with God, every day, eating the scroll and praying and worshiping Him in the secret place. I want to be so jealous for this; destroying the apathy and laziness I currently see in my heart.
4. One year from now, I want to have built a regular workout schedule, where I'm running at least once a day, staying fit and in shape, and taking care of the temple that I've been blessed with.
5. One year from now, I want to have disciplined myself in practicing and getting better at the guitar, so that I can have an additional weapon of warfare against the enemy, and an additional tool in my belt for worshiping my Lord with.

One year from now, I don't want to be where I am. I want to have used this time wisely, rather than let it slip away through my fingers. Time is the most valuable thing we have on this side of eternity, and I want to push myself, especially while I'm young, to go after these things and pursue God to my fullest, and everything that He's called me to. I know my life calling, and I want to get there as soon as God will release me, but first I realize that I need to discipline my flesh and my heart to go after the deep things of God. Once I have this foundational cement poured, dried, and sealed, then maybe, just maybe, I'll be ready for what God has for me. Selah.

Want and Need

There's an old poem out there called the "Prayer of an Unknown Confederate Soldier" that goes like this:

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve, I was

made weak, that I might humbly obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things, I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy, I was given poverty,

that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men, I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life, I was given life,

that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I had hoped for.

Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.

I am among all men, most richly blessed.

I, being part of the human race, constantly ask God for things. Whether it be something I feel that I need, or something I feel I deserve, or something I just want, or just out of my own selfishness. We're always asking God for things, legitimately and otherwise. But more times than not, what we ask for is not what we get. I have a million circumstances in my life at any given time that I wish God would come change. I ask God for a blessing in finances, and I seem to slip further into debt. Why? Because, He's teaching me how to be faithful with what I have. I ask God for a great job, and He gives me a blessing in disguise: I got hired at Panera Bread. It was a humbling experience for me, because it wasn't what I wanted, but it's exactly what I needed right now in this season, and God is using me there now to reach out to coworkers and customers. And here's a big one that I always ask God for and He always seems silent on: A wife. God knows what I want, but more than that, He knows exactly what I need, and He's gracious enough to protect me from my desires until the right season in which I'm ready for that blessing to come upon me. So He's preparing me, making me ready. Making me ready for ministry, for my calling, for my wife, and everything He has for me. And in the end, I'll get what I asked for. It'll just be in a way I didn't expect, and it'll be far better than I could ever imagine. And it's worth it.

So if you ever find yourself not getting what you asked for, don't be disappointed. God's not some far off stoic being in outer space who doesn't care about you. He knows you more than you do, and He knows what you can take in every season. There's a time for every purpose under Heaven, as one of my favorite authors in the Bible writes (King Solomon, in Ecclesiastes), and at the appointed time He will unleash the blessings He has for you, and the answered prayers you've been waiting for. Your spouse is coming. Your baby is coming. Your finances will be taken care of. Your healing is on it's way. He's a good dad, and when you ask for a fish He will NOT give you a rock. He holds the entire universe between His fingers, but He chose YOU as His temple and dwelling place. Is there no greater honor under the Heavens? He is the Author of Creation, and yet He chose to BECOME His creation and take on our flesh. Why would He do such a thing if He didn't care about you?

The bottom line is this: God is worthy of our everything, whether He answers our prayers or not. But the good news is, He answers prayers anyway.

Giving "All that's Inside of my Heart"

There's a song that one of my favorite IHOP–KC artists (Jon Thurlow) sings, that goes a little something like this:

"For all your fountains are in me,
and I have everything you need.

Just keep coming back to Me.

And those who call upon My name
they will not be put to shame.
Just keep coming back to Me.

Cast all your cares on Me,
cause I care for you, I care for you.
Just keep coming back to Me."

This song cries out inside of me every day, as I find myself going after insuperior pleasures that this world has to offer. It inspires me, however, remembering that no matter where I go or what I do, all of my fountains are in God. I am confidently at the place in my life where I know that nothing else can satisfy me like His presence. Whenever I have any situation or problem or life circumstance going on, I am reminded of this song (and verse Psalm 87:7), that all my fountains are in Him, and though I continually stray every day, I have no other choice but to return to Him, because He is the source that keeps me alive.

Please understand me that when I write this, I don't mean to sound so cliche or use overly-used Christianized words. When I write this, I mean to tell you, the reader, that I have tapped into something that simply cannot be expressed in words. God is not the means by which I "cope" with life, or "make it through, just barely." He is the reason that I am living life at all, and everything I do must be unto Him. He is my water, my food, the air that I breathe and the substance that I need to be anything more than a walking zombie on this earth.

So, bearing those thoughts in mind, what does it mean to 'give all that's inside of my heart'? Does that mean you must live a dry, dull life, go to church on Sunday, and be a good "Christian" (I'd like to pick apart the word "Christian" as well—but we'll save that for another blog)? One could say yes to a few of those, with some explanation, but I want to expand your mind here. Living a life where you give all that's inside of your heart simply means being fully abandoned to the will of God, which means being open to listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit when He's talking to you. It means positioning your heart so that His will becomes higher than your own selfish will. And it's not easy to do (and I am by no means fully to that point either). Anyway, that's all I have for now. I hope you enjoy my ramblings.

Evaporation

Our existence is so small

It is only a glimmer's moment

A fragrant of a chance

A minute at most.

We exist in evaporating bodies

Dust and bones, most of us dead and unliving

But for the breath of God that fills us few

The nonforsaken chosen ones that God chooses for mercy

One day I'll give away this bag of bones

And on that day I'll receive something new

Something that is unevaporatable, unchanging, unshifting

A new body, in a new world, serving a new kingdom

No pain, guilt, frustration will exist

No ulterior motives, no fleshly desires

No sin. No sin. No sin.

Totally free, without blemish, and no temptation

To dream of that day is just that: a dream.

It seems so impossible, and so unattainable

But one day it will be so

And there's nothing you can do

Sin will not win. Satan will suffer. And I will live on.

But until then, I will live in this body of evaporation.

I will endure.

I will withstand.

I will fall. I will fail. I will succumb.

But then

I will get up.

And I will press on.

And one day

I will overcome.

The Creator's Creation

"Each grain, if it spoke, would say, I am at the center; for me all things were made. Let no mouth open to gainsay it. Blessed be He!"

"Each grain is at the center. The dust is at the center. The worlds are at the center. The beasts are at the center. The ancient peoples are there. The race that sinned is there. Tor and Tinidril are there. The gods are there also. Blessed be He!"

"Where Maleldil is, there is the center. He is in every place. Not some of Him in one place, and some in another, but in each place the whole Maleldil, even in the smallness beyond thought. There is no way out of the center save into the Bent Will which casts itself into the Nowhere. Blessed be He!"

"Each thing was made for Him. He is the center. Because we are with Him, each of us is at the center. It is not as in a city of the Darkened World where they say that each must live for all. In His city all things are made for each. When He died in the Wounded World He died not for men, but for each man. If each man had been the only man made, He would have done no less. Each thing, from the single grain of Dust to the strongest eldil, is the end and final cause of all creation and the mirror in which the beam of His brightness comes to rest and so returns to Him. Blessed be He!"

An excerpt from "Perelandra", ch. 17, C.S. Lewis

An Awakening (Moving to Pennsylvania, pt 2)

In my last blog (New Season), I explained that I was moving to Pennsylvania. It was a rushed post, as I mostly just wanted people to be aware so it didn't come so suddenly to them. Here, I want to explain more of a background, as well as my thoughts and reasoning why I'm moving to Pennsylvania, and also what I feel God is calling me to do while I'm there.

On November 11th, 2009, what we call the "awakening" broke out here at IHOP–KC. Ever since then, my life has been thrown into a sort of whirlwind. It's been crazy, really. About the second week of the awakening, God spoke directly to my heart some very specific things. He said that the year 2010 was going to look much different than what I thought. The first thing that came to my mind after that was "I don't think I'm going to be working for IHOP's marketing department next year". This was weird for me, because I didn't see any other open door for me to go through. I just figured I would keep working for marketing and stay on full time staff here at IHOP, and that would be that!

Well, the fruition of that word took hold on March 17th, the day before I went to Pennsylvania for a vacation / ministry trip to Pennsylvania (to see my friends Darren and Gentry). Due to new direction that IHOP is taking, many departments had to release some of their operations staff due to insufficient finances. I was let go because of this. Please understand (for those of my friends and family back home) that I was not let go of full-time staff at IHOP, I was only released from my job on the missions base (which was about 75% of my financial stability). I am still on full-time staff at IHOP–KC. I had a lot of peace about this entire thing though, because God had given me the word last November. And besides that, if some family underground in China now is able to watch the prayer room (due to IHOP–KC's release of the free webstream), I would gladly have my job sacrificed for such a thing!

The second part of the word that God spoke to my heart during the awakening was that He would present many opportunities before me, and that they were all good—but I would have to pick and choose which ones to run with. I didn't really know what this meant until the beginning of this year when I launched my own photography business. But that was only the beginning. I've had lots of different opportunities come my way (some involving staying here in Kansas City, some involving moving elsewhere), but the one I want to focus on here is Pennsylvania. On March 18th (the day after I lost my job), I went to Pennsylvania as planned. I had a great trip (I was there for almost two weeks), and I had a blast! I got to sing on my friend's worship team, lead in some prayer, and spend time with some of my closest friends. I felt so much peace about the possibility of moving there and joining up with them in everything they're doing. I asked the Lord for confirmation (in the natural, and supernatural), and I got them both (I won't go in to that, but it was pretty cool)!

After deciding that I was for sure moving there (around the second week of May), I started to realize that everything that God was doing was very strategic. I feel like me moving to Pennsylvania is for more than I realize. I'm not moving there for me; I'm going to partner with my friends there in uniting churches in that area to ask the Lord for an awakening and revival in that region. I don't know how it's all going to happen, but some pieces are already starting to fall in place, and it's really exciting!

As I make this transition, I ask for your continued prayer and support. If you feel led to support me financially, please contact me. I have a paypal link on my facebook page (on the bottom left of my profile), or you can make checks out to me (Jarrod Tishhouse). These finances will help me to make my transition to Pennsylvania over the next month, and provide for my rent and basic needs while I become stable there. I am praying that my photography business starts to flourish, but that's a little rocky right now when moving to a new area and establishing myself will take awhile to accomplish.

I will be in Kalamazoo, MI the first or second week of May, and then I will move down to Lancaster, PA about mid-May. Your prayers are greatly valued and appreciated.

Jarrod

New Season (Moving to Pennsylvania)

Hey everyone!

There is much going on in my life right now, and I wanted to be able to update everyone on what's going on. So I figured a blog would be the easiest way.

Before I get in to what and where the Lord is leading me, I want to provide some background. Back at the very beginning of the Awakening here at IHOP–KC (last November), God started speaking some different things to me. One very specific thing that He told me was that 2010 was not going to look what I thought it was going to look like, and that I would have many new opportunities presented to me. Well, fast forward to March, 2010 and that word has started to take root in my life. Many different things have been shifting and changing for me, and God is closing doors in this season for me in Kansas City. At the same time, He has been opening new doors for me in Pennsylvania.

In all of this whirlwind of change, I have gotten very specific confirmation from the Lord and peace about all of this, and I have decided after much prayer that I am moving to Pennsylvania at the beginning of next month (May). I have decided to step down from full-time staff here at IHOP–KC (whether for a season or indefinitely, I do not know), and move to Lancaster, PA to live with a few of my closest friends out there. Most people I encounter immediately ask me "what are you going to be doing out there?" My first answer to that is "I don't fully know, but what I do know is that I am supposed to be there." I feel such peace from the Lord about moving to PA, and such discontentment if I were to stay in Kansas City right now. So, above all else, I'm moving there because I feel that I am supposed to. I do, however, have an idea what I'll be doing while I'm there. I have many awesome and very close friends out there that I am excited to join with—they lead worship and prayer at a few different churches in the area, and I would be jumping on board with that and helping out anywhere and everywhere I can. There is also a house of prayer out there that I plan on looking into getting involved with as well. My main objective is to be obedient to the Holy Spirit in all that I do, so I must obey His calling on my life and go where He says to go.

I do feel, at this time, that moving to PA will only be for a season (I'm thinking anywhere between six months to a year), and that afterwards I will move back to Kansas City and rejoin staff at IHOP–KC. However, it's entirely in God's hands as I never know where or what He'll lead me to next.

I am greatly excited and greatly scared of the near future, as this is a big step of faith for me. I appreciate all of my friends here in Kansas City. It has been an honor to run with you for these past two and a half years. I appreciate all of my friends and family back in Michigan as well, and I thank you for your continued support in all that I do. I plan on stopping back home for a week or two before I finalize my move to Kansas City, so I hope to see you all. And lastly, I thank all my friends in Pennsylvania (new and old); I'm excited to move forward and see what God has for us in this next season as I take part and join you. Thank you all for your continued prayer and support. I am trusting that God will provide all of the financial aspects of this, and am praying that He expands my capacity for ministry and all that He has called me to.

God is faithful. Amen.

Where's the Balance?

So, I woke up this morning realizing I was in despair over my different callings in life. I know that God has a dual calling on my life in the marketplace and in missions, and today I realized that having one foot in each camp is not fun. Some people think that's great (and in many ways it is), but I'm left trying to figure out where the balance is in it all.

At the beginning of 2010, I had such peace from the Lord on pursuing photography on a deeper level, including launching my own website and freelance business (Tischhaus Photo). The website is scheduled to go online late next week, and I already have various photo shoots scheduled for the next couple months (weather permitting). I have had so much peace about this, and yet, today I have despair over it.

For my second calling, I know, is in missions. I have had such a deep love for missions work, starting at 16 when I had the opportunity to go to Indonesia and work in a youth camp there. From that moment on, I knew that my heart was made for this. When I was 19, I went to Poland to help some summer schools for children, and some after-school Christian gatherings, and I fell in love with them. Now I find myself, nearing 22 years old, longing once again for foreign shores and people in need. Away from all of the technology, comfortable living, and things I'm so used to taking advantage of. And so that brings me to my dilemna...

Do I throw away all of my plans, trash it all to the wind and put myself at His feet? These wonderful plans of building a business and being responsible and pursuing photography sound so great, but if they hinder my other calling, do I even want them? Wouldn't I rather be in a hut in Africa, helping the children in need? Or do I throw away my inner desire for missions, pursuing a life of responsible living and steady income, schedules and plans? Yet I know within me is the desire to do both. And I also know that God has put both of these desires in me as well. So, rather the question is, how do I pursue both at the same time? Where is the balance?

I had a dream last night that I was in every season of the year at once. It was so tranquil and full of peace - it wasn't chaotic at all. And when I woke up this morning, I felt an innate desire to go to Haiti. Until this morning, I didn't really feel like I was supposed to go to Haiti at all, having my eyes set pursuing business ventures and photography. But now I really feel like I am supposed to go. But I guess I just don't know how to operate in two modes at once. I have a business mindset on one hand, and on the other I want to throw everything into the wind and just trust God for everything. Yet I know that both can cooperate with eachother and it can be done, I just haven't figured it all out yet. How do I allocate funds for missions when I barely have enough to start a business?

Anyways, I guess this just all needs much prayer and a deeper pursuit of God, stepping further into humility and trusting fully in Him. I really would love to go to Haiti and be a part of the relief efforts there, and I would also really love to capture the relief efforts in photography. I just need to trust God that the finances will come in for it and that He will work all of this out.